It's not easy being a news junkie these days. In fact, it's downright depressing. Therefore, everyone needs a guilty pleasure. I'm usually fairly picky about what I watch on television, mostly because I already have one glowing screen ruling my life; I don't need another. Most of what I watch is either movies, the Comedy Central fake news shows, Countdown with Keith Olbermann, or Lost, which has enough obscure occult geek factor to qualify as cerebral programming.
But everyone has a show they're ashamed to watch. Some people watch soaps; some people watch those "I Love the Decade" shows on VH1, I watch Survivor, because there's nothing quite like watching an assortment of mostly loathsome recruited actor/models, hot pharmaceutical sales reps, ex-high-school jocks, and Christofascist zombies bond and then backstab each other for $560,000 after taxes.
Mark Burnett is going to be hard-pressed to make Survivor 12: Exile Island as much fun to watch as Survivor: Guatemala was, though snarking about two barely articulate actor/models from the south, a narcissistic returning pharma rep, an ex-quarterback waxing philosophical about doing the Christian thing while backstabbing all the way, a gay Mormon, and a walking Jersey stereotype, is perhaps TOO easy -- like shooting fish in a barrel.
This season, Burnett is giving us a fair number of preposterously high achievers sprinkled in with the usualy bunch of miscreants, which means that we'll either be completely intimidated, or else it'll be even more fun enhancing our self-esteem by making fun of them. Let's meet them, shall we?
The Young Guys Team:
Aras Baskauskas: Based on pre-season scuttlebut, this guy seems to be the designated hottie for this season. I really want to hate this guy, for all that he's a yoga instructor, which of course gives him a good-size bank of cool points right out of the gate. This is mostly because everyone I know is drooling over him already, but also because he says stuff like this:
In a state of flux, I'm learning to be a more loving honest person. battling the demons of competitiveness, and ladder climbing, wanting to be successful, monetarily, but also wanting spiritual growth. And sometime those things don't come hand in hand.
Have you ever watched the Wisdom Channel? It's full of people like this. I think he's going to be this season's New Age equivalent of last season's Gary Hogeboom, a holier-than-thou evangelical Christian ex-NFL-er who obviously justified his own duplicity by saying he was betraying for Jesus. Add to Aras' insufferability factor an unfortunate resemblance to Peter Krause, and it's going to be as if Nate Fisher were on Survivor. I expect him to go far in this game because in this bunch, a yoga instructor qualifies as "colorful".
Austin Carty: Oh, this is just TOO easy. You want to talk Christofascist zombies? This guy went to Liberty University, a.k.a. Jerry Falwell University. All you have to know about Austin is contained here:
In 2003, his first novel, Somewhere Beyond Here, was published. His agent is currently shopping his two subsequent novels, Storm of Fireflies and Grays' Sacrifice. He supplements his income with modeling for print and commercial advertising. He has previously worked in retail, as a waiter and as a bartender.
What they don't tell you is that he's a CHRISTIAN novelist and his first novel was self-published. But I'm reassured to know that Burnett hasn't completely abandoned the archetype of the southern fundie nutjob model/bartender. I was worried there for a minute.
Bobby Mason: Black males have not fared well on Survivor. Usually the black male is edited as lazy (Sean Rector), a useless quitter (Osten Taylor), or a sex criminal (Ted Rogers). Bobby looks like if Burnett edits him that way, he'll kick Burnett's ass from here to sunday. This guy is no slouch -- grew up in south central L.A., went to Amherst, and then to Stanford Law School. I'd like to root for this guy, but he refers to himself as "Bob Dawg". Now, first of all, any guy who puts "Dog" or "Dawg" in his nickname is automatically by definition an asshole. That this guy tends to refer to himself in the third person makes me think of him less as a badass, and more Bob Dole than Bob Dawg.
Nick Stanbury: This is the guy who'll be the focus of all the gay speculation, since he grew up in Riverton, Wyoming, which apparently is the town that Ennis and Alma Del Mar moved to in Brokeback Mountain. All you need to know about Nick is here:
Stanbury is currently working as a waiter while he awaits word on his law school applications
The Older Guys Team:
Bruce Kanegai: Of all the men, this is the guy I want to see go far in the game. He's 58, a high school art teacher, and a fifth-degree karate black belt. My pre-game take is that he's a really nice guy who probably wants to prove himself in the face of taller, more dominant guys (see below). My guess is that he talks a blue streak and is a funny drunk, so when they deliver wine to camp, he'll be the one to watch.
Dan Barry: This guy is a real slouch. He's a former astronaut who builds robots. What I want to know is what the heck is a guy with this resume doing on this particular show?
He has five patents and has had over 50 articles published in scientific journals.
For his work and accomplishments, Barry has received numerous special honors and awards over the years, including the 1971 McMullen Engineering Award, the 1984 Young Investigator Award from the American Association of Electrodiagnostic Medicine, an Honorary Doctor of Science degree from St. Louis University in 1996; the Vladimir Komarov Diploma from Federation Aeronautique Internationale in 1998; an Honorary Life Membership from the United States Tennis Association in 1999, inclusion in the list of 100 Most Notable Princeton Graduate School Alumni of the 20th Century in 2001, and both the Paul J. Corcoran Award from Harvard Medical School and an Honorary Doctor of Science degree from Beloit College in 2003.
Survivor contestants are supposed to be people you make fun of, not people who make you want to crawl back into bed because you've achieved so little by comparison! Dan is either going to be Tom Westman and dominate his way through the game, or else and Terry Dietz (see below) are going to knock each other out of the game early.
Shane Powers: So....do you hate this guy just looking at his photo (third from left)? Do you hate him just because of his porn actor stage name? Take your pick. He's eminently hatable. Here's what he does for a living:
In 1999, Powers and two business partners established a boutique specialty marketing company with the goal of effectively branding products. On the side, Powers makes time to coach his son's football team. Previous employment included work as a club promoter and restaurant manager.
Uh.....M'kay.
Bruce, Dan, and Terry are going to clean this guy's clock. Early bootee.
Terry Dietz: Somehow I think this guy still has the Bush/Cheney sticker on his car. Just a hunch. He's an airline pilot and ex-Navy guy. I expect him to be bossy, opinionated, and he will butt heads with Shane very early on. He and Dan will either bond or kill each other, whichever comes first. I don't know what's going on with the Lauren Hutton teeth, though.
The Young Women's Team:
Courtney Marit: Courtney is actually the most interesting young woman we've had on Survivor in a long time. Not an aspiring anything, she's a circus arts performance artist. Perhaps a tad long in the tooth at 31 to carry off the whole dreads/adorable boho thing, but she's quirky, different, and I hope she's the last young woman standing.Danielle DiLorenzo: Burnett isn't going to give us two under-the-radar winners named Danni in a row, is he? God, I hope not. This is the nightmare love child of Danni Boatwright AND Stephenie LaGrossa -- an athlete and pharma rep (the only qualification for which seems to be that you be young, female, and hot). Expect new heights of loathsomeness.
Misty Giles: You want to feel like putting a bullet in your own head? Then Misty is your girl. Yes, we can snark about her ridiculous name, but you know how the last refuge of snarking about girls who used to be teen beauty queens is to make fun of them because they aren't rocket scientists? Well, this one IS a rocket scientist. I kid you not. However, she also sounds like she's a bitch, so we can hate away safely:
Being a female and being physically attractive and keeping up with myself has been somewhat of an issue from time to time. In college it was definitely difficult.
My heart bleeds. I will cry every night for her. Please, God, boot this bitch early.
Sally Schumann: Is it just me, or does she look more like a 35-year-old soccer mom with delusions of girlishness than a 28-year-old social worker? Bonus points for her chosen career, but now she's a waitress and bartender? Can you spell "ASPIRING MODEL"? Sally is the "Female Contestant Most Likely To Be A Recent Emergee From the Closet", because of this oddly-worded tossaway in her CBS bio:
Schumann recently went through a divorce and is currently dating her best friend.
The Older Women's Team
Needless to say, my other two favorites are on this team.
Cirie Fields: I just LOVE this dame. Pre-show interviews show her to be the most unaffected and charismatic of all the women. She's a Cancer woman, an O.R. nurse, and she seems to charm over just about everyone. Even Jeff Probst is wowed:
Well, Cirie seems to have...and you kind of hit on it...that quality that you can't manufacture which is true likeability. You just like her and you actually would probably get rid of somebody else just cause you like Cirie. Whereas so many times in this game you're getting rid of somebody because they're too likeable, meaning, they might win this game. But there's not a true, soulful, I just like you and what you represent. I think people want Cirie to succeed. I think the audience is really going to pull for her.
Ruth Marie Milliman: A graduate of the Stephenie LaGrossa School of Badly Plucked Eyebrows. I'm sorry, but I can't get past the eyebrows. And what the eyebrows don't do, the braids do. At 48, braids are just too cutesy, even in Panama. She's a former beauty queen, former model, former flight attendant, and former narc. I kid you not. A narc. That's all I need to know about Ruth Marie.
Melinda Hyder: Has someone cast her in "The Tammy Faye Bakker Story" yet? I can't imagine that this aspiring "singer" is real happy about being on the "older women's team". I have nightmares of Wanda Shirk with real showbiz aspirations, and an unwillingness to break her fake nails. If there's a granola bar in camp, she brought it in. Mark my words.
Tina Scheer: My heart belongs to Cirie, but my head belongs to Tina Scheer. Tina was supposed to be on last season, but her 16-year-old son was killed in a car accident not long before she was supposed to leave. I have a friend who just lost a young daughter, and I simply can't imagine the grief to the nth degree that the tragic loss of a child creates -- and this was Scheer's only child. Is there anyone who's NOT going to root for Tina to go far in the game? I only wonder if emotionally she'll be up to it so soon after this kind of loss.
The fun starts at 8 PM tonight on CBS. Let the snark begin!
