Top Ten Likeliest Items Found in Karl Rove’s Desk Drawers

10) Letter opener still caked with human brain matter.

9) 14 pages of emails from Mel Martinez at the RNC filled with jokes about Jerry Falwell’s death.

8) Expired contract with Satan with loopholes circled in red ink.

7) Heavily annotated Cliff Notes on 1984, The Trial and Mein Kampf.

6) Google map printout of Plame-Wilson home with directions and note in Rove’s handwriting that says, “Remind Novak not to publish this until 9/1/07.”

5) Pawn shop ticket stub for “ring, Sauron’s.”

4) Half a spool of bloodied piano wire.

3) Blank applications from Augusta Country Club and the John Birch society.

2) A paper ballot from the 2000 election, with a note in Rove's handwriting: "Ha ha! Remember these quaint things?"

1) 47 empty Trojans packages and a block of stuck-together pictures of Abu Ghraib prison.