Ladies and Gentlemen, the 46th President of the United States

Meet John Ellis Bush, Jr.:



John Ellis Bush, 21, shown in this photo provided by the Austin, Texas Police Department, was arrested early Friday morning, Sept. 16, 2005, in Austin and charged with public intoxication and resisting arrest.

(Photo credit: AP)

Let's fast-forward, now, shall we?

"Mr. Bush became President of the United States in 2024 after a contentious recount resulted in a 5-4 decision by the Supreme Court, with Justices Jonah Goldberg, Ben Shapiro, Clarence Thomas, Antonin Scalia, and John Roberts voting to disallow Florida recounts requested by the Democratic nominee, Paul Hackett.

"Hackett, a veteran of the early years of the ongoing War on Terror who tirelessly toured the country in an effort to meet as many voters as possible, was widely expected to win, with polls taken the day before the election showing him with what seemed to be an insurmountable 68%-28% lead, with 1% support for the now wheelchair-bound perennial candidate Ralph Nader and 3% still undecided. Hackett had run a strong campaign, with cheeky bumper stickers and lawn signs reading "Had Enough Bush?" visible in all 50 states.

"Exit polls taken on Election Day indicated that while the election would still be a landslide for Hackett, a last-minute push by Bush adviser Karl Rove to tie Hackett to the Abu Ghraib atrocities during the war instigated by Mr. Bush's uncle, George W. Bush, had some effect, though it seemed to be not enough to overcome Hackett's commanding lead.

"Yet when the polls closed, the race was tighter than anyone imagined, with each candidate holding a 49% share of the vote. Hackett's campaign requested recounts in Ohio, Florida, and Texas, due to widespread reports of voting machine irregularities and suppression of minority voters. The latter is reported to have been especially prevalent in Texas, which has grown increasingly Democratic in recent years, a shift attributed to the tens of thousands of minority voters who relocated in the state after 2005's devastating Hurricane Katrina.

"Newspapers across the country and the broadcast media, which had come under government control during the administration of Mr. Bush's father, Jeb Bush after the terrorist bombings of 2009 and 2011, widely praised the decision. 'Election of another member of the Bush family assures a continuity of U.S. policies in the Middle East. Under the Bush family stewardship, we continue to fight the terrorists there so we don't have to fight them here. In that fight, we are making good progress.'"