The Sexual Fantasies of John Tierney

There. That headline ought to get me a bunch of hits from Google.

With everything that's going on in the world, John Tierney, that troglodyte who last mused on the ecstatic life of stay-at-home wives, takes a break from the Cinemax soft-core threesome porn and talks about the new HBO series Big Love -- and lets us know why he thinks polygamy would be good for women. Tierney, whose sole purpose in his journalistic career seems to be bemoaning the fact that it's not like the good old days, when world was full of man-hungry women who wouyld take whatever shit any man wanted to dish out because even a schmuck was better than being alone, thinks women should rethink polygamy:

These three wives, who live in adjacent houses, sound much like the women in polygamous marriages I've talked to in rural Africa. The African wives told me they had mixed feelings about the arrangement — and their fellow wives — but over all, they figured it was better to share one prosperous husband than to marry someone else without land, cows or a job.

That's the way social scientists figure it, too. Polygamy isn't the cause of women's low status in traditional societies, but rather a consequence of their trying to move up. The biggest losers from polygamy are the poorer men who end up with no wives. Women benefit because polygamy increases their number of marriage prospects — and in traditional societies, marriage is often the only way for a woman to improve her status.

Even in those societies, polygamy is practiced by just a small minority because few men have enough resources to entice more than one wife. As a society modernizes and women become educated, they gain other economic options and become less and less willing to share a husband. Eventually polygamy is out of question for practically everyone, men and women. At that point, the monogamous majority can safely proclaim its moral superiority and outlaw the practice for everyone else.

Critics say children would be better off growing up in a home with a full-time father, but a part-time one is better than what's in many homes today. The father in "Big Love" is more like Ward Cleaver than today's alpha males who've dumped a series of wives and families.

Polygamy isn't necessarily worse than the current American alternative: serial monogamy.

Elizabeth Joseph, a lawyer and journalist who was married to a polygamist in Utah, says her experience handling divorce cases made her appreciate the stability of her marriage. She also appreciated other perks, like the round-the-clock day care that enabled her to keep an unpredictable schedule at work and to relax when she came home.

"If I'm dog-tired and stressed out, I can be alone and guilt-free," she explained in a speech to the National Organization for Women. "It's a rare day when all eight of my husband's wives are tired and stressed at the same time." She told the NOW audience that polygamy "offers an independent women a real chance to have it all" and represented "the ultimate feminist lifestyle."

She won't persuade many American women, feminists or otherwise. But if a few consenting adults like her still want to practice polygamy, there's no reason to stop them. And if the specter of legalized polygamy is the best argument against gay marriage, let the wedding bells ring.

Have I mentioned today how much I hate this guy? Perhaps hate is a bit too strong a feeling to direct at someone who's so obviously a moron.

I've known a fair number of polyamorous people in my life, and while it's not a setup I think I could deal with, and not one I would want, well, hey, whatever works for you.

But Tierney isn't talking about polyamory in the "making your own rules" sense; he's talking about a very specific kind of traditional marriage, with the Big Alpha Male and the docile little women -- only there are three of them, for that nice little Cinemax porn touch. A polyamorous relationship in which everyone has sex with everyone else and everyone wields the same power is NOT part of the Tierney sexual dream. Because this is about female dependency and the pre-eminence of the male in the household.

What I want to see Tierney write about is polyandrous marriage. Now THAT might not be a bad idea. You could have the husband who makes you laugh, the husband who's great in bed, the husband who's handy around the house, the husband who makes a lot of money, the perpetual adolescent husband who still knows how to have fun and will go to Green Day concerts with you, and oh yes, the gay husband to go to the movies with and dish with on Oscar night.

On the other hand, you'd have SIX men to do laundry for, and SIX men who leave the seat up, and SIX men to clean up after.

Maybe this one-on-one stuff isn't so bad after all. You could instead just accept your spouse for who he or she is, accept his or he limitations, and cobble together a good life together as best you can.

Last time I looked, that was called "maturity."