Actually, what we're trying to do is eliminate apple pie

When I was a kid, I sang Christmas songs in the school Christmas pageants. I sang Silent Night and O Come All Ye Faithful (which sounds like some kind of sex cult, actually), and I survived without succumbing to the belief that some Jewish guy who refused to get married and give his mother the pleasure of grandchildren got nailed to a tree two thousand years ago just so that I could do whatever the fuck I wanted, as long as I believed this ridiculous story.

Seriously, though, has there ever been a story more emblematic of Jewish guilt than that of the crucifixion? "Jesus went through all this for you, so that you could cheat on your wife, molest children, embezzle money for your employer -- and THIS is the thanks he gets?"

It's not that I grew up in the kind of strong, Jewish home in which my identity was incorruptible by the relentless holiday hoo-hah; it was more that singing these words involved just about as much thought process in my 10-year-old mind as the fact that every day we pledged allegiance to the republic and to widget stands. (It is my understanding that there was a variant to this involving someone named Richard Stans, but I think that must have been the red state version.)

And until the Christofascist Zombie Brigade decided that their particular brand of Christianity should be the state religion, we managed just fine with nativity scenes on the town hall lawn and salesclerks saying "Merry Christmas" at Macy's.

But now that our society is more diverse than just "Good Wholesome Americans" and "The Jews", and especially now that it looks like the theocrats are going to get their anti-Roe justice after all, they need a new axe to grind -- and that axe is the so-called Liberal War on Christmas:

Evangelical Christian pastor Jerry Falwell has a message for Americans when it comes to celebrating Christmas this year: You're either with us, or you're against us.

Falwell has put the power of his 24,000-member congregation behind the "Friend or Foe Christmas Campaign," an effort led by the conservative legal organization Liberty Counsel. The group promises to file suit against anyone who spreads what it sees as misinformation about how Christmas can be celebrated in schools and public spaces.

The 8,000 members of the Christian Educators Association International will be the campaign's "eyes and ears" in the nation's public schools. They'll be reporting to 750 Liberty Counsel lawyers who are ready to pounce if, for example, a teacher is muzzled from leading the third-graders in "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing."

An additional 800 attorneys from another conservative legal group, the Alliance Defense Fund, are standing by as part of a similar effort, the Christmas Project. Its slogan: "Merry Christmas. It's OK to say it."

I actually prefer something like "Do what thou wilt, harm none: It's OK to say it" -- but somehow I think that won't fly with this bunch.

It gets even better:

Fanning the yule log of discontent against what the Liberty Counsel calls "grinches" like the American Civil Liberties Union are evangelical-led organizations including the 150,000-member American Family Association. It has called for a boycott of Target stores next weekend. The chain's crime, according to the group, is a ban on the use of "Merry Christmas" in stores, an accusation the chain denies.

Note to Target Stores: This is what happens when you try to placate these people, as you're trying to do with your policy on allowing your pharmacists to refuse to fill prescriptions for any medication to which they "morally object". I, and the millions of other progressives who will be avoiding Target stores this season becasue of that policy, would be happy to come back and help you fight this particular battle if you just put on a pharmacist on the same shift as the Christofascist Zombie one. Think about it and get back to me.

On his show last week, Fox News commentator Bill O'Reilly offered a list of other retailers that he says refuse to use "Merry Christmas" in their store advertising.

In signing on to "Friend or Foe" this month, Falwell urged the 500,000 recipients of his weekly "Falwell Confidential" e-mail to "draw a line in the sand and resist bullying tactics of the ACLU and others who intimidate school and government officials by spreading misinformation about Christmas."

Hey, while we're on the subject of spreading misinformation about Christmas, how about all that business with evergreen trees festooned with lights, and wreaths, and a fat guy in a suit breaking into people's houses to steal cookies and then leave presents. What the hell does that have to do with Jesus?

From Religioustolerance.org:

The Prophet Jeremiah condemned as Pagan the practice of cutting down trees, bringing them into the home and decorating them:

Jeremiah 10:2-4: "Thus saith the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them. For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe. They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not." (KJV).

The English Puritans condemned a number of customs associated with Christmas, such as the use of the Yule log, holly, mistletoe, etc. Oliver Cromwell preached against "the heathen traditions" of Christmas carols, decorated trees and any joyful expression that desecrated "that sacred event."

Pastor Henry Schwan of Cleveland OH appears to have been the person responsible for decorating the first Christmas tree in an American church. His parishioners condemned the idea as a Pagan practice; some even threatened the pastor with harm.

Almost everything we do to celebrate Christmas is either pagan or frowned on by the Bible. Christmas in America is about the deadly sins of envy (what other kids get that you didn't), gluttony (overeating), lust (getting sexy lingerie for your wife), greed ('nuff said), sloth (days off work), and pride (having the most decorated house in town). And of course let's not forget anger, which ranges from the seething at the obligatory family gatherings, to, well, the current threats by Mr. Falwell, Bill O'Reilly, and their ilk.

If we're going to go this route, to turn Christmas back into a religious holiday, then I think we need to shut down the entire way we celebrate Christmas and go back to the basics -- church, crèche, and that's it.

Sounds like a good idea to me.

Happy Holidays, everybody. (I feel so subversive now...)