Thursday Silly Blogging: 10 Thoughts On Naming Children

This list grew out of a discussion on why every male of a particular age is named Michael or Matthew. If any of you are planning to reproduce, please keep these concepts in mind. Thank you. That is all.

1) Benjamin, Solomon, and Jacob are old Jewish guys. Not children. No teenager is going to want to be called "Benny", and no toddler should be part of a circle of friends that sounds like a bunch of guys playing pinochle around the pool at Century Village in Boca Raton.

2) If your child has more than one friend with the same name as his/hers, you are a sheep and you have lost all right to consider yourself a nonconformist.

3) Avoid the temptation to give your daughters names that sound like they're out of romance novels. That means names like Alexa, Alanna, Alexandra, Ashley, Brianna.....etc.

4) If you are passing your male pattern baldness or endomorphic genes to your son, please give him an ordinary sounding name. If I had been a boy, I'd be 52, overweight, bald, and my name would be Seth. I probably would have put a bullet in my head 10 years ago. 'nuff said.

5) No naming your kids after pop stars. There are 2,047,682 Britneys in this country right at this moment who want to kill their parents.

6) Don't get the idea that the answer to all this is to have a revival of names like "Betty", "Gladys", and "Ethel."

7) "Tallulah" is the coolest girls' name ever. Save it for a child who can handle the special *je ne sais quoi* required to be a Tallulah.

8) When a Google image search on the name you want to give your daughter brings up more photos of cats than of children, it's time to reconsider.

9) If you insist on naming your son after a Gospel, choose "Luke". The others are overused.

10) Not everyone in the world is Irish. If you are two Ashkenazic Jews, you may not name your child "Sean", "Caitlin", "Patrick", "Ewan" or "Meghan." "Caitlin Meghan Leibowitz" is a ridiculous name. Note that being Jewish does not give you an exemption from #1, either.) If you want Biblical, you have David, Daniel, Joshua, and Jesse at your disposal for boys, and Rachel, Deborah, Leah, and hell, even Bathsheba available for girls. Jonah is no longer permitted because Jonah Goldberg has soiled that name for all eternity.