Star Wars III: "Titanic in Space"

[Posted because man cannot live by Republican grandstanding alone]

So sayeth George Lucas, which ought to save a whole lot of people about ten bucks a pop.

Now, I'm not knocking Titanic. It's easy to look back now and wonder what all the fuss was about, now that we've all seen it a dozen times and even those of us who let ourselves get carried away by the spectacle and the meticulous re-creation of a White Star ship and the costumes and the archetype of "Woman Triumphant" and even the cornography of its central romance (and yes, I plead guilty; how guilty most of you have no idea).

I'm not knocking Star Wars either, though I never found the original three movies to be all that compelling, not being a sci-fi fan. But George Lucas hasn't made a decent film since his ego swelled up to the size of Tom DeLay's balls in the aftermath of being mentioned by Joseph Campbell. The first two films in the latter Star Wars oeuvre were absolutely insufferable. Not every director can manage the seemingly impossible feat of sucking all the charm and charisma out of Ewan McGregor, all the testosterone out of Liam Neeson, and make Natalie Portman seem about as good an actress as Paris Hilton. Anyone who saw Shattered Glass knows that even poor, hapless Hayden Christensen isn't as bad as Lucas has made him seem. And as far as I'm concerned, once they killed off Terence Stamp early on in The Fandom Menace, it was all over.

Sure, the special effects are reliable, but effects do not compensate for lack of a coherent story PLUS an awful script PLUS lugubrious performances. You already know that Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader; what Lucas has to do, and so far has failed miserably, is make you want to know why. And frankly, my dear, I really don't give a shit. I mean, it's been pretty clear that Ben Hawkins and Brother Justin Crowe are headed for a showdown in Carnívale, but it's been one hell of an interesting ride getting Daniel Knauf's crew of motley carnies to the revival tents at New Caanan. And you knew that the ship was going to sink in Titanic, but that didn't stop a whole bunch of people from suspending disbelief long enough to hope that Leonardo DiCaprio would be that most rarified of creatures: the surviving steerage male.

So the idea of having this sort of "good vs. evil" showdown leavened by more of the awful crap we saw as Christensen and Portman cavorted in the meadow in Attack of the Clones, all in the ham-handed fists of the self-important Mr. Lucas, and Revenge of the Sith is starting to sound more like a turkey gobbler by the day.

We now return you to our nonstop coverage of Republican Selective Grandstanding.