Top Ten Ways Americans Will Observe the 10th Anniversary of 9/11

Today is the tenth anniversary of the most horrific attack on American soil. On September 11th, 2001, four planes crashed into both towers of the World Trade Center, the Pentagon and a field in Shanksville, PA. A recent poll asked thousands of Americans how they will observe the 10th anniversary of a series of attacks that claimed the lives of nearly 3000 people. What are the top 10 answers?

10) Hoping for some 9/11 nookie by crying in front of girls at somber candlelit ceremony.

9) Distending our waistlines with dead, barbecued animals as long as beer cans are clinked together at least once to remember the victims.

8) Being extra hypervigilant of anyone wearing cloth on their heads, including that black guy down the street with the 'do rag.

7) Watching bands, choirs, military honor guards and giant flags before baseball games and players chewing gum, spitting and scratching their crotches.

6) Shouting at the television, "Fuck you, bin Laden!"

5) Listening to Alex Jones podcasts about how the Pentagon wasn't struck by a hijacked plane but the Bilderberg Group in the name of the New World Order.

4) Planning on voting for the Republican presidential candidate who looks the least guilty over 9/11.

3) Nothing. Saddam's dead. We've defeated terrorism. Can't we just move on and pretend like nothing's changed?

2) Watching news file footage of the planes hitting the north and south towers and hoping that, for once, they'll miss.

1) Thanking God, Bush and Cheney that we're still the land of the free and the home of the brave between terror alerts and having our privacy invaded by stadium security, Homeland Security, the TSA, NSA and local, state and federal law enforcement.