The Ghost of Kathie Lee Gifford

I spent most of this past weekend on travel sites, trying to figure out what we should do for vacation this year.

I've long been convinced that there are two kinds of vacationers -- sightseers and relaxers. Mr. Brilliant and I tend to be relaxers. I think it stems from the years both of us spent commuting to New York -- the idea of spending a vacation shlepping around is about as appealing as spending it in, say, Branson, Missouri. So this is why Jamaica has been so appealing to us over the years. It's a beautiful place, the pace is slow, slack is encouraged, the food is awesome, the rum is plentiful, and you can spend entire days staring off at the water, reading a book, and being narcoleptic. We will probably end up going back this year, but I've had this hankering to do something different this year.

Part of it is sticker shock from looking at airfares. Sure, you can still fly from JFK, but the round trip to JFK from New Jersey is such a horrific pain in the ass, especially the trip home on a Saturday night, that it makes me just want to stay home. With the airlines in serious crunch mode, that means the only option out of Newark is Continental, which now charges almost $700 just to get there. There's something offensive at having to pay more to get to a place than it will cost to stay there (the place we stay is $110/night per person including meals and drinks).

I've always thought a cruise sounded hellish. I've had visions of being trapped on a big boat with the collected recordings of American Idol failures blaring nonstop, garish casinos, surrounded by a bunch of people who cruise so they don't have to spend too much time around Brown People™ or deal with Strange Native Cultures (sic). Then there's the idea of having to buy a bunch of dressy clothes just to go to dinner, small overcrowded swimming pools, and general American hokiness, and I've always said "No, thanks."

But with air travel becoming so expensive and so miserable, the idea of driving into New York City, getting onto a ship, and being immediately on vacation, is starting to sound appealing. And if my sister, who participates in African drumming circles, doesn't find cruises appalling, maybe there's something to it. And after all, even we aren't as hip and cool as we used to be. And if sitting on a balcony staring out at water is an integral part of one's vacation, well, this might be just what the doctor ordered.

We're kind of limited to Norwegian Cruise Lines, though, largely because of that line's fancy-dress-not-required policy and the fact that they still allow those who are enslaved to their Marlboros to support Altria Corporation in their cabins and balconies. Norwegian and Royal Caribbean seem to be the only non-Carnival lines operating out of New York and Bayonne, and I have to admit to a prejudice against Carnival. I think some of it is the designation of Carnival ships as "Fun ships." What does "fun" mean? Gambling? Bad Vegas-type shows? Silly games? What about those of us for whom fun is a good night's sleep, a good book, and not having to do much of anytthing? But more of it is the lingering stench of Kathie Lee Gifford that continues to pervade Carnival's ads long after the line threw her overboard as spokesperson. It's part of the peril of celebrity endorsement -- if your endorser commits a crime, or even if s/he is guilty of nothing more than being, as Gifford was, terminally annoying, it can taint your product forever.

So between my prejudice, however irrational, against Carnival, and Royal Caribbean seemingly having a policy that if you complain in public about sewage seeping onto your cabin's carpet you can be banned from their cruise line, and trying to convince both myself and Mr. Brilliance that whatever American Trash Culture we might have to endure might be offset by the generally reduced hassle factor, I'm not sure what we should do this summer, especially since with the economy as it is, who knows when we might be able to travel again?