Gynecologists Gone Wild!

Now that I have your attention....

What do you do when your gynecologist has a midlife crisis? I've been going to my gynecologist since 1984. When I first started seeing her, she was specializing in problem pregnancies, and I made a deal with her: You don't nag me about having a baby before it's too late, and I don't come to you when I'm 40 asking for miracles. She's lived up to her part of the bargain, and I've lived up to mine. But the main thing that has made me so fond of her is not that she read my movie reviews religiously, but because she never, ever, ever hassled me about my weight.

I had to see her about something earlier this year, and when I talked about how futile my quest to lose weight has been, she said "Welcome to menopause. This is just how it is." She's only a year or two younger than I am, so she knows first-hand.

Six months later, my gynecologist has been zapped by an alien death ray and replaced with a pod person; another diet faddie, only using the imprimatur of her profession to advocate a fad diet.

As it turns out, Dr. C., as I will call her, which is not her real initial, so don't go looking for her, had a high school reunion coming up, and was "disgusted" (!!) with her weight. So she went to see this guy who trained with a Chinese physician and came up with this plan that combines acupressure with a diet plan.

Here's how it works. You go to "Dr. X" (who turns out to be a Ph.D. psychologist/social worker), and he "puts these beads behind your ear". You massage these beads and they "trick" your hypothalamus into jump-starting your metabolism. Then you go on the diet, which is as follows: On alternate days, you are allowed 20 oz. of full-fat milk. On the other days, you're allowed 1-1/2 pounds of any vegetable you want other than beans and corn. That's it. You eat only between noon and 6 PM. No breakfast.

"It's not starvation, really!" she insisted. "Do you know how much 1-1/2 pounds of vegetables is? It's three bags of bagged salad!" Then she went off on a rant about how you're allowed two pieces of fruit on your vegetable days, and if you slice up your second apple, sprinkle it with cinnamon and splenda and microwave it, it's just like a baked apple! (!!!!!)

By this time, I had a pretty good idea that my beloved, sensible doctor had been indoctrinated into a cult.

I have a pretty strong respect for the Chinese way of health and medicine. Master Tak-Wah Eng's Iron Palm Dit Da Jow really DOES do wonders for pulled muscles, sciatica pain, and other muscle aches and pains. I do believe in acupuncture and acupressure techniques. I have a co-worker with migraines who's been to every physician in the world, taken every medication in the world, and even had botox injections in the migraine sites. But now she's going to a physician who practices acupuncture, and she swears by it. So when I hear that this diet is related to Chinese practice, I'm willing to at least give it a minute or so of consideration, even though it is NOT covered by insurance and costs 40 bucks a visit to this "doctor".

At first it sounded vile. First of all, I hate full-fat milk. Second of all, I can't imagine how a diet in which ALL of your fat is saturated and which doesn't take fiber into consideration at all can be good for you. Third of all, 20 ounces of milk is less than three glasses a day -- and that's all you consume all day. But for someone like me, hearing that your own physician lost 40 pounds in eight weeks with no skin sagging, no hunger, and no emotional problems, and has at least five patients who have gone on this and lost significant weight in a ridiculously short amount of time, makes you think "Maybe I could do this."

At least until I was having my blood drawn by her med tech, who, when I complained that for 20 years Dr. C. hasn't hassled me about my weight, and all of a sudden she's like a Moonie, said "Oh, no, she didn't try to send you to that Dr. X, did she?" Then she went on about how Dr. C. was so bitchy on this diet that she once said, "You're either going to eat something or I'm going to shove a brownie down your damn throat." "It's a starvation diet, nothing more," the tech said. "She's talking like an anorexic."

So I went home and looked up the guy's web site, and sure enough, there it was -- the promise of guaranteed 15 lb. weight loss in the first month, using a combination of acupressure, Chi Gong breathing, and "balanced nutrition" -- which is I guess what he calls this notion of eating nothing but milk and vegetables. But when you look at the calories you consume, it's about 500 per day.

In 1983, when I met Mr. Brilliant, I was on Cambridge Diet. This was a 300 calorie per day liquid diet. I was on this awful diet, I was going to a one-hour aerobics class five nights a week, and in sixteen weeks on this I lost a grand total of thirteen pounds. I was starving, I was an exercise anorexic as well, and I STILL lost less than a pound a week. Mr. Brilliant and I would meet in the city for dinner and I'd push the food around my plate and cry because hunger had made me an emotional wreck and I was terrified of gaining weight. So color me skeptical that any starvation regimen will result in healthy, lasting weight loss. And the last thing I need is to yo-yo yet one more time.

As for Dr. C.'s weight loss, let's see how she looks next year.