My movie can kick your movie's ass

Ah, the halcyon days of early 1998, when Star Wars fans and Titanic fans pored over box office results like Nicely-Nicely Johnson poring over a racing form. Star Wars fans were zealously guarding THEIR movie's place as #1 box office giant of all time, while Titanic fans were gleefully awaiting the toppling of the Star Wars statue in Geek Square after THEIR movie hit the magic #1 spot. A similar, if less-publicized round took place with each of the three Star Wars prequels.

This weekend's openings of The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe and Brokeback Mountain promise a repeat of that utterly pointless exercise in "mine's bigger" gamesmanship on the part of the many Armies of God hiring school buses to take their minions to the megaplex; providing plenty of fodder for the culture wars: The Armed Defenders of Wal-mart Profits duking it out with the Knights of Interior Decorating and Hair Care Products -- or so the right wing paints it.

The wingnut response to Brokeback Mountain has been relatively muted, its soldiers off doing battle with the dark lords of Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and Ramadan in an attempt to keep the X-Box of Power from being thrown by some hairy Jewish guy with big feet into the fires of Mount Secular.

But do not be fooled, O my friends, for the battles of these mighty forces will take place -- on Monday morning, when the box office results are in:

There's also more than a slight tinge of boosterism going on here, in the face of "Brokeback" opening against "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe." [Culture and Family Institute director Robert] Knight links box-office success with moral authority. "You know, that's going to be quite a contrast," he says. "You're going to have a roll-out of a film that's going to be a blockbuster, and it reflects basic Christian values, going up against a limited release of a movie that mocks traditional morality. And I'll betcha I know which one is going to win.

"I think Ang Lee is off his rocker if he thinks he can have the same commercial success with two cowboys instead of a cowboy and a cowgirl, as other movies do."

Spoken like a true bully, don't you think? The Christofascist Zombie Brigade is primed to declare the Victory of the Christian Lion over the the Little Sodomites on the Prairie, equating a $150 million blockbuster with Disney muscle behind it and a 300-screen opening with a small festival flick with a $13 million budget that's opening on five screens.

Yup, that's a mandate, all right...in the delusional Jeebofucknut universe in which these people live.

Me? I'm gonna catch both of them, sooner or later. Maybe the Rapture will take place while the Narnia movie is running. If that happens, I get whatever's in their wallets.