The Road to Zanzibar, Sodomy, and Homeland Security

Some Wednesday nights when I’m not writing I’ll tune in to the Sci Fi Channel’s Ghost Hunters and, if I’m really intimidated by a blank white monitor, I’ll follow straight through and watch Destination: Truth, which is hosted by self-proclaimed “cryptozoologist” Josh Gates (A "cryptozoologist", says Websters, is "n- A gullible adventurer who ineptly pursues and documents the existence of long-known zoological species.").

Last night was such a night. Typically, Gates and Co. had another near-miss and caught an exciting blur that may or may not have been a dragon off the coast of Hanoi (Vietnam's own oceanographic experts said it was more like a shark).

But the second segment is what got my attention because Gates took his gang on the road to Zanzibar to investigate claims of the Popobawa, which is a big, evil ogre with a gigantic penis that sodomizes people. Hm.

Anyway, after canvassing the neighborhood in Stone Town, the island’s capital, Gates made it a point to interview those who'd claimed to have been attacked and molested by this giant, bat-like creature. After setting up cameras on the roofs, Josh’s people got exactly one sighting of a winged creature in the distance that wasn’t even large enough to get even Gates and his “I want to believe!” people excited.

So, remembering that the last two waves of sightings occurred during Zanzibar's elections, Gates finally grew some brain cells and began recanvassing the neighborhood and speaking to people at random instead of those with whom he was carefully put in contact. Suddenly, he began discovering a growing number of people who openly laughed at him when he mentioned the word "Popobawa." (I guess they'd be Zanzibar's equivalent of informed liberals).

Come to find out, the sightings reached a fever pitch among Zanzibaris before elections, in which incumbents and wouldbe office holders preyed on the peoples’ native superstitions, promising to combat the Popobawa cornholing menace if they would only elect me! The President of Zanzibar, who, I’m told, holds a little less power than your typical local chapter’s Moose Lodge Master at Arms, even commissioned the services of a “traditional doctor” (read charlatan, er, shaman) to drive away the big butt-banging bat.

Pity the Sci Fi Channel. If Mr. Gates had only done a little Internet research, he would’ve discovered that at least as far back as 2001, people had begun making the connection between Popobawa sightings and Zanzibar’s notorious rigged elections and the SFC could’ve saved thousands in air fare alone. But that’s not the point I’m making, here. And I think all you cynical liberals know where I’m headed.

Politicians and other fear mongers are the same the world over. And, with the help of our unconditionally loyal media, American financial institutions were especially vulnerable to being yo-yo’d. Just before the 2004 elections, financial institutions such as the IMF and World Bank, the Prudential Building, and the GOP’s beloved NYSE were put on high alert.

Then... Presto, insto change-o! Right after the 2004 election, the terror threat level goes down! Of course, no connection whatsoever was ever established between the Bush administration getting bad news, the election cycle and terror threat level (remember on Gay Pride Day, the alert would be raised to lavender?). Those Joshes. They always get their facts wrong.

So, now that we’re wise to them, look out for the GOP to try other scare tactics to goose their poll numbers this year. Look for Homeland Insecurity Secretary Michael Jerkoff to go on national TV to tell us to lock our windows, wear butt plugs and to keep a different kind of bat beneath our beds. And, oh yeah, don't forget, only McCain has pledged to tackle the butt bat menace.

Cuz ya never know…